The New York Times Issue 1
The New York Times Issue One 2nd October 'THE DENVER MASSACRE' By Cubert Farnsworth In the early hours of the morning in the usually quiet city of Denver a series of shots broke the silence of the new day which swiftly resulted in the deaths of some of Tanzini’s most prominent family members in Tainted, Apollo and FionaRicci. The shooting started shortly after the 6:59 race had run when a fight broke out in the centre of the business district between Eric_Cartman’s and Bertone’s bodyguards. Bertone, an important ASDA official was shot at by an unnamed bodyguard who he suspected belong to Tainted who was in the area on business and a return shot was sounded which struck one of the notorious Capo’s bodyguards. Shortly after this fight Bugsy_Siegel the ASDA hitman arrived on the scene and took up the fight against Tainted. They seemed evenly matched before a shot hit home killing Tainted squarely between the eyes to end his life just before 8:00 AM. By this point, Apollo, a Made Man had arrived to aid Tainted and after a fight with Bertone, Clamps and Bugsy he too fell victim. FionaRicci took part in the fight for Tanzini and also lost her life to the smoking gun of Bugsy_Siegel. Around 60 bodyguards gave their lives to defend their employers along with two Capo’s and a Made Man belonging to the Chicago outfit. Authorities are yet unsure as to what caused the shooting but it is suspected that it was merely a case of mistaken identity. The Police also commented that both Clamps and Bertone have disappeared off the radar, and it is now impossible to prosecute them for their involvement in the high profile attacks. The likely consequences of these losses to the Tanzini family are currently unknown, but it clear to see that they will suffer without the guidance of their highest ranked individuals. Watch this space to see the possible Tanzini backlash against ASDA. 'UNSAFE STREETS' By Jake Roberts Reports have been coming in all through the last few days about a spate of killings in the Chicago area. The mortuary has been overrun due to this increase in deaths over the past 48 hours and due to this increase we were unable to obtain any causes of death from their office. Detective Jim Gallantly from the Chicago police has gone on record with the following comments. ‘I’d just like to tell the good people of Chicago that we have no problem here, we have several leads that we are currently investigating and we are sure there will be an arrest within the next few days.’ When asked about any details of the murders he commented ‘They are all very similar in style, we have been finding bodies all over the city, I’d say the motivation as robbery as each of the bodies has been left without any personal possessions on them which has made them harder to identify.’ Early reports leaked from within the CPD have alleged that their main suspect is none other than Tanzini made man Coochie. It has been rumoured that he has gone power crazy of late and will not stop until he has stopped people feeling safe on the streets of Chicago all together. The CPD say he is ruthless when choosing his victims too and has already ‘cleaned out’ several family members and friends. It’s this reporter’s opinion that Chicago is currently a no-go area within this country of ours. 'THE FOLLY OF PRAYING' By Frank McErlane Day in day out people will continuously pray to the higher being in existence. They will sit and pour their heart out to the almighty one, and yet, at the end of it what do you really get? Do you really get the satisfaction of knowing that maybe, just maybe the God of all things has listened to your selfish wants and needs? How many of you really pray for something for somebody else? I’d be very surprised if you got anything out of it. I pray daily, and yet my prayers remain unanswered and I don’t have hope. I feel empty, and lost. I’d be interested to know what others thought on the subject and whether you feel total abandonment from the almighty one. Answers on a postcard please. 'AUNTIE AGNES’S PROBLEM PAGE ' Over the past few days I’ve been noticing an odd growth, its causing a great itch just underneath my nose, what should I do Agnes? Love Puck Well Puck, you need to try shaving, it may be new to you but you are growing what is known as a moustache, most men get it when they start to grow, its perfectly normal. Please feel free to inform me of any other growths. Old Auntie Agnes may even be able to help with them. My boyfriend has been stealing my make up and wearing my underwear, he’s even been calling all of my old boy friends to ‘meet up’ Regards Anon. Well dear, I’m sure you boyfriend Lennon just has some issues he needs to get over, perhaps he has some issues he needs to get over, maybe he has some EMO problems? Agnes, I cant stop letting my mouth run away with me, I know that I am an intelligent man and I feel that I need to prove this on a regular basis and I don’t think others seem to appreciate my true intellect. Regards Phatal_Error Agnes, I cant stop letting my mouth run away with me, I know that I am an intelligent man and I feel that I need to prove this on a regular basis and I don’t think others seem to appreciate my true intellect. Regards Phatal_Error (Maybe if you stopped doing this they wouldn’t hate you as much, eh? Ages.) 'QUOTE OF THE DAY' By Dwayne Smith Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most. 'RESPECTS TO: ' FionnaRicci – Capo From - Gio-Pagliuca Rest in Peace darlin Ever since our first meeting you turned out to be a true friend, one who I could always turn to in times of need and who I would trust with anything. Anyone who ever belongs or belonged as part of your family can always count on me as a friend. Sweet dreams Apollo – Made Man From WickedEyes dammit not you too!!! *cries* RIP sweetie walk with angels as you are one *lays a dozen lilies on his coffin* 'A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: ' The editors of this particular edit would like to thank you all for reading it. This is just a pilot to cover issues whilst the gazette is gone but if it gains support it can swiftly become part of your daily lives. . If you would like to submit anything for a future paper mail either Eragon or Gio-Pagliuca.